Finding Spirituality

I think I found true spirituality. It's called intimacy with God. Not that He was lost but you were….who got lost of finding Him in all the wrong places, lost of finding Him in legalism and lost of finding Him through a set of rules and traditions.

I began that journey when I found myself stuck in a hole so deep there was no coming out. Everyday seemed like I was just barely ‘hanging-on’ that if ever I let go, it will mean falling off to my death. (I can’t remember if I had made the hole myself or if I was cast there accidentally or it’s just that I didn’t notice the hole I was walking into!) All I knew was that I was in my most desperate state when I started yelling for heaven to help but was at the same time unsure of how God would respond.

I was too tired and upset to go through the routine of piety to appease God or to explain to Him why I was such in a state. Funny He never asked questions and He never pointed a finger either. All I sensed was this overwhelming arms of love taking me and holding me until I couldn’t cry any longer.

Here's some excerpts from my personal journal:

Do you know what it's like to be so broken, ashamed and nearly destroyed coming to the Lord in all His holiness? That you can't look Him in the eye because of your filth and the state of your heart that's in? ….It was all over me again – the feeling of shame and brokenness in the worst manner, knowing that the time you’ve spent with the Lord last week didn’t really change you. I didn’t feel like praying at all. I was walking in circles when I finally decided that I should just read the book I brought. It’s amazing how God will speak through any means just to let you know that He likes conversation. There was a section on the book where someone spoke about God coming to you whatever state you are in. Devotion with God I found is not a pious routine of do’s and don’ts to appease His presence. He comes to where you are and takes you in His arms and tells you how much He truly loves you.

What do I love about coming to JC on Fridays? It's almost like going on a honeymoon. I come to JC naked and baring all in His sight because there is no point in hiding, there is no point in making the right impression and there is no point in pretending. He who sees me, sees every filth and blemish, sees every hurt and struggles, sees every evil in me and yet holds me in His arms full of love.

Friday is when I come to receive grace yet again, to experience being held and loved, being caressed by His blood as it cleanse every part of my being. It's this kind of intimacy I look forward to at the end of a gruelling week, when I am about to crumble in the sins that bears on me. I don't know whether I've abused His love, sometimes I feel like He will drop me at any minute. I can't blame Him if He did, as who could ever put up with me anyway, but then what hope is there for me if that should happen? I'll be dammed forever and I can't bear to think of that so then I succumbed to the ritual of pleasing and appeasing Him as if bribing the God of heaven to gain His approval and acceptance once again. I feel stuck in this cycle of knowing that I am loved inspite but I need to do something pleasing to obtain this reward. And so I tell Him that He can easily put Himself out of this misery of 'maintaining me' but He remains quiet as if waiting to listen to the next silly thing that I would have to say. Then He gently reminds me, "...I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you." Jeremiah 31:3 (NKJV)